Excerpt from my new book due out next year

Here is a excerpt from my new book that will be out next year. It's called rational thoughts from a damaged brain.


I’m just not good at saying a lot of things out loud. I guess that’s why I write so much music. Good or bad music, I write it mainly to get it out of my system. I have so much in my head. Like most people there are things I remember and things I forget. I carry a lot around with me for whatever reason. Some would say it’s for writing my music. When I make mistakes in life, I don’t always know right at that moment. Sometimes it swells and explodes on me later in life. Sometimes I know right away and correct it or wish I could correct it. Missed opportunities are always a sore spot for me. At times I would be bitter or full of regret. I would be quick to replace one thing or person with another. Memories can be painful as well as happy. I have run across people that I can’t remember but they remember me. I have talked to people that I remember and they that don’t remember me. I think I chose to hold on to or let go of things that I categorize in a certain area without even realizing that I am doing it. Maybe someone made a big impression on me and I hold on to that and make it more than it really was. Maybe it’s the other way around and I made the impression on someone and carved my spot in their memory. I guess that I literally take everything to heart that is said to me. Don’t sweat the small stuff. That’s not as easy as it sounds. Who decides what the small stuff is? Sometimes I remember a smile of someone or an angry face. Sometimes it’s a smell of a room, clothing, cigarette or just the way someone smelled. I have written songs about people and never told them. I have written songs for people and they knew. I have written songs about story lines that I make up like a miniature movie in my head. Anger was a popular theme for me for quite a while and the words flowed like wine for me. I’ve been through so much shit in my life that you wouldn’t believe half of it. I have thought that I was in love when in reality it was no where near what love is supposed to be. I’ve made a ton of bad choices when it comes to women but I have learned something from everyone that I have come into contact with. I didn’t realize that I was being taught a lesson on those occasions until much later in life. I know now that those people and events have made me what I am today. How I reacted to those events played a huge part in where I am in my life and how I react to things now. I have always felt like I was here for a reason but I just didn’t know what it was. I should be doing something more than what I was doing. I just didn’t know what. I thought that I was invincible for most of my life. Yes, there were times early in my life that I asked “Why does this always happen to me” Was that the small stuff? I have had my share of laughter as well as pain. What was it all for? Was it for writing songs, a book, a letter or just to make me into me? Music has always been a major part of my life. Music has sent me down the roads that I have traveled to get to this point in my life. I have made decisions on friends, relationships, jobs, so much in my life because of my music. I was taken to every fork in the road of my life because of my music. Whatever band that I was in made up my inner circle of friends. Whatever city we traveled to found some of my friends along the road. My schedule of playing determined if I worked a regular job or not. How my band was doing determined my mood at that time. My bands introduced me to so much, good and bad. My music had a lot of control over me. I’m not sure how control is divided up for me now. For a long time it was easy. Music had some control and I had some control. It’s so much more complicated now. Music has taken a back seat to a lot of things. It’s still in the car but it rarely gets near the steering wheel. Family grabs the wheel, Multiple Sclerosis grabs the wheel, doctors grab the wheel, Prescription Drugs grab the wheel, Friends grab the wheel, Music grabs it when no one is looking and I try to keep the car on the road. It’s getting harder and harder. Music turns into just writing sometimes. That’s who is driving now. I was told that I have good coping skills and now you are involved. When you started reading this you didn’t know that you were putting a flag in the road. My road or yours? We won’t know until later. How do you respond to this or should you even try? Why am I writing this? I think if I don’t write it I will go crazy.

catch up october

I just wanted to let everyone know how things were going. I go next week for tysabri infusion #12. One year on tysabri, hard to believe. The last couple of months have been packed with stuff. I have been working on SBTS stuff , a new music project with some of the guys from the Tin Henry family. I just heard one of the tracks and it sounds great. I have had to re-cut some of the vocals and I'm glad that I did ! It is shaping up nice. I am also still working on my solo cd. I pushed back the release date of the project because I have a few more songs I wanted to put on it. This is my last planned solo cd and I want it to say a lot. I'm not sure when either project will be finished but I will keep you in the loop. I have felt decent the last couple of months with some pretty rough days mixed in. I have been fighting that give up feeling and it's hard some days. I know that I push myself to much and end up paying for it. I plan to get the projects done, it's just taking longer than I thought. Some days I feel like the breath is being squeezed out of me and I have been beat with a baseball bat. I just need to rest more. Thanks for your support and emails! I'm still putting your pictures up on the site so keep sending them !!!
Much Love,
CC